Do It

                I like Joel Osteen.  Call him a motivational speaker of whatever you like, but he makes total sense to me.  His message entitled, “Just Do It” resonates in my mind.  What is it that I have been afraid to do? Fear is not of God.  If that is the case, why am I fear?

                According to the American Association of Psychologists (APA), a therapist is not supposed to disclose information to their clients.  Okay, you all aren’t my clients.  At least, I don’t think my clients are reading this post.  If any are, oh well.  I have to follow what my heart is saying.  I have to do what Nike and Joel said, I have to “Just Do It.”

                What is it you ask?  It is to let go of the frailties and inhibitions that I have as a human being, and be real.  To do what Dr. Brene Brown states I her book, to dare greatly.   It takes a lot of guts to open up when you have been scorned by people that you have trusted.  I get it.  Why do you think that I am writing this entry?

                An advanced degree in Counseling Psychology does not remedy the fear of opening up and being vulnerable to others.  I have likened vulnerability and being transparent to running down the street naked.  Running nude exposed to outdoor elements can make one ill, in addition to a probable seventy-three hour retreat in a psychiatric facility!

                I am met with trepidation each time I have to open the safe and sacred heart space, especially after the challenge of betrayal.  What is more daunting is allowing other people the benefit of being human, to be as afraid as I have been.  I am not ashamed to say that this proposition is difficult to say the least.

                I was recently challenged by a group of women that I felt judged and ridiculed me falsely.  It hurt me to my heart!  I trusted these women as sisters.  I was disappointed and bewildered when I figured out that each of them had the same issue with me that they made collectively problematic.  I was met with a challenge due to a simple difference of opinion.  Rather than talk to me, they spoke amongst each other pertaining to what they “thought I believed myself to be superior to them. None of which was true.  I will admit it, I was quite defensive, and for a while I withdrew to “lick my wounds” and heal.  Did I say that it’s okay to re-group when needed?

  I am a truth-teller, a straight shooter.  Often denial is so pervasive that people don’t even realize that they are pretentious and withholding the blessing of vulnerability.  I reiterate; it is petrifying to expose one’s true self.  This is why I advocate that intent be communicated effectively.  Often communication becomes faulty when people have formed their own opinions before they are aware of the genuine motives of others.  (This includes M-E!) I urge you to search yourself the next time you judge the intent of another person.  As cliché as this may sound, perception is not always reality.

                I challenge myself to have the courage to get up after a fall.  I will admit it’s no picnic to get back into the saddle after the horse throws you off its back!  I want to sit at home in the dark, with a blue light, and a bag of Lays Potato Chips and pout.  I want to tell the world to go to hell and what to do when they get there.  I want to give up.  I want to quit.  Yes, I want to throw in the towel, take my toys and run!  But I can’t. I have to “do” what I have urged you all to do.

                I have to do what I fear the most. I am that professional and human being all at once.  I am that mother and that child.  I am that Christian and challenged not to be so Christian.  I have to smile when a frown is seems a more superior expression.  I am all things to all people as I read of the Apostle Paul.  The good that I would do, evil is always present.  Therefore, I search my heart and I dust my rusty off and get up again.  I don’t always feel like it…but I have to do it!  Is there another choice?