Zuhura Speaks: Collateral Damage

Zuhura Speaks: Collateral Damage:                 According to the USAF Intelligence Targeting Guide Pamphlet, the term Collateral Damage refers to damage affecting unint...

Collateral Damage

                According to the USAF Intelligence Targeting Guide Pamphlet, the term Collateral Damage refers to damage affecting unintended targets during a raid or military strike.  It is interesting that people can be hurt in “friendly fire”. 

                Hmmmm, friendly fire….What exactly does that mean?  I reflect on a conversation with a close associate of mine.  He seemed to feel that I should be over the last relationship that I encountered.  Is this idea an absolute fact?  Should I be over it?  I guess I should be over my son’s death also, seeing that it will be eight years this Tuesday since his transcendence.

                Quite frankly, I am not interested in what he or anyone else thinks about what I should or should not feel.  I am way past the point that I give a hot flip about someone expecting me to be what they wish me to be.  My truth surrounds the myriad of feelings associated with the existential realities pervading my mind.

                Today was my only biological daughter’s Bridal Shower.   (Other youngsters call me Momma V) The occasion was saturated with exuberant laughter.   As I examined the décor for the perfection that I knew my Diva Daughter would expect, there was a hollow call in my soul.  My last child soon be the wife of someone, and lead her own life without me.  It’s normal for young people to expand their wings and fly away.  That is the logical me speaking.  The emotional me, is not so absolute.

                Earlier this morning my dear friend told me of the sad passing of a friend of hers from a painful bout with cancer.  How ironic that I’d met this person a couple of years back. The memory of our encounter made me think of the night I unassumingly ended up at her house.  She was closely associated with the ex-wife of the man I was dating at the time.  Needless, to say, I was bombarded with inquiries and comments about the relationship.

                The relationship did not last.  It was one of those situations where I became the unintended target of collateral damage.  November is generally a month that I remember the pain that losing my son caused.  Ironically, it was the on the anniversary of my son’s transition that this man first kissed me.  I would imagine that this is the reason that the flood of emotion washed over my soul after I heard of this lady’s transition. There were also other issues impairing my ability to clearly rationalize my feelings.

                I think of all of the collateral damage I have suffered in my lifetime.  I had become an unassuming target of a man that does not possess the ability to love or care about a woman of my caliber.  Am I suggesting that he’d never loved other amazing people?  No, clearly, I have no right to judge anything not associated with me.  Though the signs that he did could not love, or return the exuberance of the love I felt were clearly there, I ignored them.

                Hadn’t he felt something for me? Hadn’t we possessed a keys to one another’s houses and driven each other’s’ cars?  Hadn’t I attended events with families and friends?    Yet, if I were to enumerate all of the times that I felt dismissed and disconnected by something that he’d done to exclude me or ignore my inquiries of why he could never utter those three words,   I would be counting until next spring.  I felt left out of the world that validated our relationship. 

One illustration of his distance was experienced when I cleaned this man’s entire house in preparation for his children to visit him for the holiday season.  When it came to making it clear to them that I was someone he cared deeply about, it did not occur.  Not only did he not include me in a family outing with them, his daughter was rude and disrespectful to me. When I shared my feelings about her behavior, he scolded me!

Another incident occurred when one of his college friends made an incredibly insensitive remark that hurt my feelings, “You have found someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with, and he hasn’t!”   Though I wanted to choke this woman at the time, she was entirely correct.  I chose to ignore the signs, as I was determined to show him how much he was adored by me. Codependent or not, I am not into labels, but suffice it to say that I honestly did not see his disconnection as faulty, and I should have.  But what does should do for anyone?

My unwillingness to smell the proverbial pot of coffee that was brewing caused me a great deal of pain.  I had given my heart to this man for over three years. He abruptly ended our relationship. Perhaps I should have gotten the message when the man visited his ex-wife’s house and stayed there a week, turning off his mobile phone when I called.  The only time he spoke to me during his travels, was when he walked to the store to get a paper.   And I was the one who initiated the call!

                I became the target of attacks on social media pages and on my personal email.  The collateral damage was to my heart, as he took every ounce of goodness that I gave him.  He tolerated who I am, instead of celebrating who I am becoming.  At the end of my delusion, the only explanation I got was, “I tried, and I can’t do a relationship.”  Wow, is that all I get?

                This week is an emotional one.   As I aforementioned, November brings with it a lot of sensitivities. The worse day of my life happened in November!!  My dear Grandmother’s birthday is this week.  My close associate lost his daughter to a cold-hearted murderer who was sentenced to prison this week.  Thanksgiving is coming, and I have to admit, I do not feel that grateful!

                There is a moral to these dark set of circumstances, hang in there with me.  Next year I am planning to launch a project that will help families who have lost their loved ones near the holiday season.  I won’t exclude anyone else, but they will be my target group.  

I know the loneliness s and despondency associated with the holidays.  I hope to utilize the pain I feel/felt as a catalyst to help someone else heal from the vestiges of the collateral damage. We live in a world of thoughtless and careless people.  If I reach out to one person and/or family, some other unintended target may escape the identical harm that I and my family have experienced.

 

 

 

 

A Grandmother's Love

The recurrence Daylight Savings time has interrupted my pattern of sleep.  I sit here reveling in the fact, “There is nothing sweeter than the love of  my Grandsons!  This was evidenced by a phone call that I received at nearly ten o clock last night.  It was my youngest Grandson, Obama.  Yes, he is named after the first Black President!

grandson - Obama

                My heart dances when I recall the bond that I had with my Grandmother.  I affectionately called her Momma.  I have so many wonderful memories installed in my psyche and in my heart by this extraordinary woman. 

                November eighteenth will mark her birthday, the day before my son’s transition.  I know that they will be dancing together that day.  I try to wrap my mind around the fact that they are both not here with me in the sphere.  However, they live indelibly inside of me!

                The corners of my mouth turn up as I think of the evening, at eleven years of age that I asked the Lord to at least allow me to grow up and see my children.   The idea that the world was a wicked place, and the world would soon end,  had been drummed into my thinking so much so that I did not believe I’d grow up.  But here I am, a Grandmother.

                I am grateful and I offer thanks to the Creator for exceeding my expectations of maturation.  I have had the enormous pleasure not only of being called Mommy, but now I am known as Nama.  My heart leaps each time I hear the singsong manner in which my three Grandbabies call to me.

grandson - TRay

Larrie Noble, III, (TRay) is my eldest Grandson.  He is the exact visual replica of my dear son Elliott.  However, he acts like his Dad.  I chuckle each time my son Larrie laments that TRay is “Just like me.” I can only state in text language, ROTF….I am rolling on the floor because my eldest son was born so that I would pray, and he is definitely reaping in theory!

grandson - El

Then there is Elliott, (Little El) as he is called.  He does not favor any of our side of the family, barring his Grandfather’s exact birthmark, and my Grandma’s goofy smile.  He is just as his Uncle El was; basically quiet, with a calmer temperament than his two brothers have. 

                What can I say about Obama? (Mr. President)  He must be Richard Pryor reincarnated.  My Grandsons are the absolute joy of my heart!  I am hopeful that they will have the same wonderful memories of me that I have of my Grandmother Annie Lee Riley Ainsworth. 

                There was no safer place that I had, than in her loving arms.  Thank you Momma.  I pray that I can be a fraction of the inspiration to my Grandchildren that you were to me.  Dance with El Momma.  I will see you both soon enough!